Anonymous asked: I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I felt he wasn't giving the relationship any attention, saving it all for other things. Ever since he went away for school, he's become a bit of an asshole, mimicking his single friends. When I did it, he said 'if that's what you want.' No fight, no argument. We've talked since then, he's mentioned a handful of times he misses me, and he texts me about misc. things but doesn't broach the subject of us. There's no us anymore, is there?

Sorry, sister, no “us” anymore. That dude isn’t interested. Move on.

Anonymous asked: If you add those shoes to an Amazon or similar wishlist, I will buy them for you. You just need to post a pic of them on your feet when you get them. Jg

Yo, have any of you ever been brutally murdered by a stranger who’s offering to purchase you goods anonymously via an Amazon wishlist?

A comprehensive list of things I will never participate in:

• A flash mob

A step-by-step guide on what to do when you lose your uninsured Verizon Apple iPhone 4

1. After waking up leisurely after a controlled night of drinking (2.5 drinks in 4 hours) enter a heated discussion with your dude about Katy Perry’s “Hummingbird Heartbeat” re: which single she should have released next off of her multi-platinum “Teenage Dream” album.
2. To play said song, reach into the side pocket of your purse to retrieve your Apple iPhone 4, the pocket where you’ve kept your Apple iPhone 4 since you bought it after signing up with Verizon in April of 2011. Realize it is missing.
3. Crumble into a pile of anger and regret on the floor of your bedroom wearing only XXL green sweatpants as you try to retrace your mostly sober steps from the night before.
4. After a circular 15 minute conversation, determine that the phone was either yanked from the side pocket of your purse where you’ve kept your Apple iPhone 4 without incident since signing up with Verizon in April of 2011 or that it slipped onto the floor of the cab you took home, a mere 7 blocks away. :(
5. Stop into the Verizon store closest to your home. Be assigned to a customer service representative named Eli who, you’re pretty sure, is stoned.
6. Explain to customer service representative Eli what happened. Ask if there is a way for a loyal, paying customer like yourself who foolishly never got around to signing up for phone insurance to not pay $569 for a knew Apple iPhone 4.
7. Have Eli secretly explain to you that Verizon is currently holding “open enrollment” on insurance and that you should purchase it. Have Eli go on to explain that once he back-dates it to a week prior to your visit to the store, filing a claim with the insurance company, Asurion, should be a piece of cake.
8. http://bit.ly/I5LHOk
9. Purchase phone insurance at the rate of $9.99/month. Watch Eli back-date your insurance on the computer automated system.
10. Go about your day phone free. Notice peoples’ faces, the sounds of nature, how slowly time actually goes, how much you really don’t actually care what’s happening on Facebook and how all you really want with you at all times is an Instagram machine. Contemplate never getting another phone.
11. JK!
12. Visit phoneclaim.com/verizon the following day per Eli’s instructions. Fill out the appropriate paperwork, fax it and wait for your new Apple iPhone 4 to appear magically at your doorstep.
13. Receive a late-night email the next day (day 4 without a cell phone/GPS device/portable bank teller/research machine/friend) about calling an 800 number due to an issue with your phone. Wait until you’re at work the next day when you can access a telephone.
14. Discover that your claim is being denied as there was no “air time” logged on the phone. Call back to talk to a supervisor. Make no headway. Kill yourself.
15. Come back from the dead. Call the Verizon store where Eli told you faulty information. Ask to talk to a supervisor. They need to call you back.
16. I’m skipping 7 more steps here because it’ll raise your blood pressure.
17. Have Eli call you back directly. He informs you your new phone will be in the store the next day for the insured price of $160.
18. Enjoy your last night as a ’90s-like American human by watching Raven Symone slay the lead role in the Broadway production of “Sister Act.”
19. Forget this even happened 6 months from now. Continue on your life journey of ungrateful bitchery/sorcery forever.

I lost my phone and/or it was stolen this weekend, which is the worst but also the best for various eye-opening reasons that I will write about later, but I texted my dad from another phone to let him know he could reach me there in the interim just in case. He freaked out, which was warranted, because I sent him a pretty cryptic message from an unknown number: “Hey Dad it’s Nikki. I lost my phone but I wanted to text you in case you needed to reach me. Everything’s okay.” He calls right away:

Dad: So who’s phone are you calling from?
Me: James.
Dad: Who?
Me: JAMES.
Dad: GENE?
Me: JAMES!
Dad: JAMES? …Oh, James.

“James” also happens to be my dad’s last name. Has been for 60 years.

My favorite is when teen boys try to make something that inherently sucks cool. Because they’re so earnest! I was walking to the bus this morning and this white teen kid rolls up next to me smoking a cig, pants down low, rocking untied ADIDAS Superstars. Dude’s sporting a pimp walk while shoving a flyer in my face for Rasputin’s Bar and Nightclub in Burlington, Vermont. Listen, stay on your grind, I wore the banana suit when I worked at Jamba Juice in college. But like, perspective, bro.

Anonymous asked: I've already accepted a job promotion from a company I've been working with for a few years through college. Its not ideal (low salary and relevance to my future), but I like the place and the people. Now though, an old employer is asking about my availability for an opening he has with an ideal job (high salary and relevance), I also like the place and the people. I'm having some guilt with going back on my commitment to less than ideal job because they have always been good to me. Any advice?

Girl (or boy), listen! This is your life! The sooner you learn to stop feeling guilty about the things you want, the better. And the cool thing about this situation is that it’s a professional relationship and not a romantic one. Because imagine sticking around in a romantic relationship just because you feel bad… Unhealthy zone!

At the end of the day, business is business. People leave jobs every day. That initial step of telling your employer is going to be difficult, and emotions will run high especially since you’ve already accepted a promotion. But if you have a better opportunity that will make you happier and bring you closer to your goals, you have to take it. Don’t apologize for it. Congratulate yourself. And if your employer truly has your best interest at heart, they’ll congratulate you, too. (They might not, and that’s okay. They’re running a business. “Being happy for your employees’ new career paths” is never part of any job requirement. That’s just a lucky and rare byproduct of working with genuinely nice people.)

Seriously, guys, No. 1 milestone I made in my 20s — stopped beating myself up about what I want. And man, what a difference.

Anonymous asked: do you think losing your virginity to someone "special" matters? im kind of at the point where i like this guy, regardless of "where it goes" but i dont want to wake up in a few weeks and be sad that my first time wasn't with The Right Guy.

I find a good rule of thumb for these kind of impending, seemingly heavy decisions is to ask yourself what you’re going to think in 5 or 10 years. I lost my viriginity to a Brazilian pothead who had a girlfriend back home (that I was unaware of) on my dorm room bed while Dave Matthews was playing. While many of those elements sound tragic, that’s kind of part of losing your virginity. I have no hang-ups about it. It was great and it was fun and I wanted to bone that dude really bad. And then I did. And then things got all fucked up and I was sad that I lost my virginity to kind of a scum bag dude, but now I’m a grown lady and hey, my life is a beautiful tapestry of intriguing folklore.

Something about sex that you might not know at your young age (I’m assuming you’re probably youngish) is that at the end of the day, we’re all just a bunch of animals rubbing on each other because it feels good. But when you’re young and you’re not used to the intensity and/or the hilariousness of sex, it’s pretty confusing. You’re all “BUT HE HAD SEX WITH ME, does that not count for anything?!” as your screaming into your cell phone as you’re storming through the projects on Taylor Street near UIC in Chicago at 4 am after a keg party… or whatever. But when you grow up, you realize people just wanna have sex. That being said, sometimes it does mean something. Sometimes you just had sex with a VIP and a very special song was playing and you start crying like a little fucking baby because you can’t believe humans can connect on that level, man. And other times you’re like, “I hope this is over soon because the dry cleaner closes in 45.”

I don’t feel comfortable advising you to lose your virginity. I think as long as you find some time in your life to have special sex with someone/some people you care about, then you’re doing something right. Maybe it’s not with this guy. Maybe you just want to get it over with. I don’t know what you’re mentally capable of handling. Things change after you have sex with someone. Know that. Also, herpes: 1 in 9 men, 1 in 5 women, my babies. Check your statistics!