June 2010
90 posts
“I did the same thing - he told me he liked me and I gave him the in-person...”
– Nadia, on getting out of sticky situations with sunglasses emoticons
“Are you gonna nap it up?”
– Cool new phrase for napping I just learned on The Hills
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The Light - Common
WATCHING THIS EPISODE OF “TRUE LIFE: I’M A NEWLYWED” AND THIS COUPLE DIDN’T KISS UNTIL THEY SAID “I DO.”
Can’t wait to find out which one’s the choker/R. Kelly-er/Cleveland Steamer-er/DP-er/mouth urinater/homosexual/shouts their mom’s name/never shaves their privates/doesn’t know where the vag is/gives shitty head/weeps when it’s...
“The pop star requested glitter, hot dogs, and philosophical books on the origins...”
– Ke$ha’s rider
My first day at the part-time craft store job:
“Ohmigod, you guys have glitter spray adhesive?!”
“Ohmigod, you guys have crystal skull iron-ons?!”
“Ohmigod, you guys have dried chestnut branches?!”
“Ohmigod, look at these frog stickers!”
“Ohmigod, scrapbooking.”
“You need to be pushed down and licked.”
– My friend Phil’s new pickup line. (See also: Ted’s.)
WatchI took this down a month ago because I was trying to get this swanky job. LOL.
Anonymous asked: What is your favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry's?
5 Types of Girls
lookoverherelaura:
thediablocodyschool:
This post isn’t meant to be sexist or inflammatory, but definetly is. This is how a good friend of mine categorizes potential girlfriends.
1. Chickenheads/pigeons/birds
Fellatious women that can be “worn out” so to speak. The female equivalent of a “scrub.”
2. Shawties
Hoodrats that don’t readily give head.
3. Jump-offs
Boring chickenheads dated...
RE: Cool Friday Night Phone Calls
Nicole: Hello?
Ted: What's that thing you put under a hot plate so you don't burn the counter?
Nicole: A trivet.
Ted: K thanks bye.
RIP MJ. Miss ya. →
Me and Bubbs are the same age!
Sometimes I think I’ll never get married because I don’t like things like playing volleyball. I actually fucking hate volleyball. I prefer individual sports, like bowling - low impact, high fun. Volleyball sucks. The ball hurts when it hits your forearms and if you’re laughing at me saying that, you’re lying. Tell me the first time you “bumped” a volleyball...
Taylor Hanson’s wife home schools their kids. Starting to think things worked out for the best on my end…
I’m watching the Christina Aguilera Behind the Music and I like her and her husband seems like a gem of a guy, so much of a gem that when he proposed to her he filled their hotel room floor to ceiling with red and pink balloons, as Christina describes, “two of her favorite colors.”
Here’s the thing: there’s only so many colors. You can’t just get a bunch of...
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Anonymous asked: I think girls who say 'all my boyfriends were jerks' are as sketchy as the guys who say ' all my exs were crazy bitches.' I just don't trust it.
Thoughts
CVS should change the “Family Planning” sign in the pregnancy test section to “LOOK AT THIS HO UNDERNEATH THIS SIGN.”
Anonymous asked: why DON'T you have a boyfriend?
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They say it happens when you least expect it, when you’re not even looking - closed up shop, chain locked the door, threw in the towel.
And then out of nowhere, they all say, he comes like the wind over the horizon. At first you don’t even see the appeal. Just another Joe Schmoe.
Then the tides change. The tides change and one day you wake up and realize it - you are in love with...
“Hi. I’m borderline shy/wild.”
– Ted’s new pickup line
I was walking down the steps at the Quincy stop on Saturday morning headed to Union Station so I could take the Metra to my parent’s house to celebrate my lil’ bro graduating high school. I was wearing a dress so I was a bit concerned that people would think I was doing the El ride of shame but apparently I was looking well-rested because this 22-year-old white boy wearing an...
I was watching Good Morning America this morning and some schmoe was on talking about a book he wrote in honor of his mom and dad (just in time for Father’s Day, how convenient) and he said that when his mom was dying and and homeboy was struggling with his career, his mom said something that really stuck with him: “I’d be proud of you even if you were a garbage man.”
...
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I didn’t write down when I got my period last month so I checked my twitter because I always have something to say about. :-/
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"I'm Comic Sans, Asshole" now set in Comic Sans
tylercoates:
wondertonic:
By popular demand, McSweeney’s has changed my piece to the titular font.
I want to someday say that I was there the week that Mike took over the Internet.
THIS IS GENIUS.
RE: Class
Stranger man at the bar: You don't happen to smoke do you? Do you have a lighter?
Nicole: No, I don't.
Stranger man: Oh...I thought I just saw you coughing so you know, smokers...coughing...
Nicole: I was belching.
