March 2010
129 posts
Things that made me cry today:
Keeping Up With The Kardashians season finale
This crappy fucking episode of Guliana & Bill
Crazy Heart
Not even on my period. Not even sad about anything. This is who you’re dealing with, folks.
February 2010
131 posts
1 tag
I need to stop “liking” shit on Facebook that has anything even remotely mentioning a wedding because I can’t take the notifications.
RE: Face Masks
Nicole: It's burning my face kinda.
Ted: Do you have the mint HULEP one?
Nicole: It's JULEP.
Ted: Oh. Whatever. I say "hulep."
How to Bling Out Your Cell Phone With Swarovski... →
“Next you will begin blinging your cellphone by first blinging around the outer screen if applicable and working outwards until the entire phone is blinged.”
“Sorry. Funny women who speak boldly will always be categorized as jaded.”
– Alan
Welcome to life, ladies.
Nicole: I'm an office manager/freelance writer. You?
Stranger Man: I'm on disability.
The End.
“If you bone, text me.”
– I just wanna know what my friends are up to
“I think my student worker is making out with her girlfriend again in the main...”
– Nadia, on the tribulations of working in the Gender and Womens Studies Dept.
Roll Out The Red Carpet, Blockhead
What I’m wondering is if you ever feel like things just work out for you sometimes or if it’s your viewpoint on life that makes you feel like this.
1 tag
I'm drunk.
BUT STILL. Tonight I walked into my friend’s apartment/stage or perfomance space or whatev and I met his roommate like halfway through the “gig” and she was like “hey” and I was like “OMG, hi” and she was like “You’re really pretty…when you walked in I was like ‘I like that girl, she’s really pretty, I like her...
5 tags
“Here was a good guy - a mensch - with the libido of a teenager and nice...”
– Julie Klausner, I Don’t Care About Your Band
I really didn’t want to like this book as much as I am liking it. Me liking this book is like Lady Gaga showing up on the red carpet in a bloody tampon unicorn hat and matching shoes - like, duuuuhhhh. But she just gets it. She’s...
Study: Ninety-six percent of females enjoy it when... →
OMG OMG OMG DUUUUHHHHHH IT’S THE BEST FUCKING THING IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD RIGHT GIRLS?
“But enthusiasm and loquaciousness can be a decent guise for what is otherwise a...”
– Julie Klausner, I Don’t Care About Your Band
Oh, okay, we date the same guys.
“Straight girls deserve to be with men who can’t stop thinking about pussy,...”
– Julie Klausner, I Don’t Care About Your Band
I always forget that sometimes guys have girlfriends.
My best friend Reema has the most bizarre things happen to her. Not only that, but her re-tellings of the stories make them that much more entertaining. I love this lady through and through and have since the day I met her. I just knew she was going to be my best friend. Here’s one of the millions of reasons why.
Reema telling a story about waiting at the customer service desk at Whole...
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Terrified!, Kevin Andrew Prchal
Please get to...
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I get all these emails I never read from Repower America and Al Gore and Democrats.org, etc., and they’re titled things like “Breathtaking Hypocrisy” and “Stop Playing Games” and I always think they’re from my ex-boyfriend.
I shot out of bed this morning and reached quickly for my phone remembering that I had sent a bunch of drunk and embarrassing text messages last night. But I didn’t!
Growin’ Up 2010?
Clementine, Sarah Jaffe
All that time Wasted
I...
“Don’t walk out yo heezy without clothes on, I toldja.”
– Destiny’s Child, Nasty Girl
1 tag
The least I can do when stalking your Facebook profile is only check out your profile pics. I know those are the ones you want people to see.
Who has two thumbs and is now the Chicago... →
This gal.
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The Only Thing You'll Ever Need To Know
My Best Friend Forever, Reema, enlightened me:
There are basically two kinds of people in life: those who say “fragrance” and those who say “perfume.”
It’s that simple.
“I’m at the point, frankly, where I’d rather deal with a misogynist with a copy...”
– Julie Klausner
So my friend and I have this fake motto: Construction Workers 2010. And Jules over here knows exactly what the fuck we’re talking about. I mean GOD DAMN. I have never seen a nail so beautifully hit on the head before.
From afar, it seems as though there are certain...
An Atheist and A Jew Explain After The Rapture Pet...
Nicole: ok, christians believe that once jesus shows his face around these parts again (Earth), that'll be cause for celebration and all the christians will be like "see, i told you" to the jews and then jesus will be like, "welp, there's nothing left for The Righteous here...party in heaven at 7." and then all the truly awesome Christians will just ascend to heaven like this: http://silentmouth.com/images/rapture.jpg. so in the case of this emergency, what're the pets gonna do? obviously starve and die and go to hell. BUT with the services of After The Rapture Pet Care, all the athiests and dot heads and turban wearers and chinamen will be sitting around doing nothing because they weren't invited to the party so they can take care of your pets. the end.
Geller: And the funny thing is that the Jews have something called the Messiah....when he comes around we all laugh at the Christians and go eat Bagels and Lox in heaven....I think that's how it's written.
Nicole: well maybe i found the messiah and she works at einstein bagels next to the diversey stop cuz homegirl hooked me uuuuuup with some lox this morning!
Geller: PS- The Jews are allowed to take their pets with them so they don't need a service like this.
Reema: here is to knowledge, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. HOLLA!
My Conclusion
People were pretty God damn generous to themselves during doppelgänger week.
“I LOOKED LIKE A TARD WALKING AROUND WITH A BLOW UP GOAT BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW?”
– Ted
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I'm telling you right now
if I ever end up on some Dateline special with a creep husband acting like he didn’t kill me, you’ll know something’s up if my body is found in capri pants.
In other words: WOULDN’T BE CAUGHT DEAD.
RE: Battle of the wits
Nicole (Berwyn native, but closer to Cicero): did you hear about the kid-touching Berwyn doctor?
Alan (Berwyn native): did he get AIDS from one of the Cicero kids?
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