: Archive

1 tag

Jan 1st

111 notes

1 tag

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

…but I swear, the last 20 guys I added as a friend on Facebook are gay.

Dec 31st

Ted: OWWW!
Nicole: Ooh, are you okay?  Did it--
Ted: Yeah [the straw]...jammed into my tooth... At least something's jamming somewhere.

Dec 31st

Ted: Why the hell did I ever like True Religion jeans?  They're HID.
Nicole: Thank God you got over it. I'll make fun of you forever for it.
Ted: I deserve it!

Dec 31st

2 tags

Dec 30th

2 tags

A note on the changing landscape of American...

For the most part, “(pronoun) = (adjective)” DRIVES ME UP THE WALL! For example, a friend’s Facebook status said “[Brazilian steakhouse] Texas de Brazil kicked my ass.” A friend of his commented “me = jealous.” That’s not clever. Just say “I’m jealous.” It’s less characters and duh, isn’t that what we’re all...

Dec 30th

2 tags

I need this printed on gold, bound in platinum. →

Dec 30th

3 tags

Bitch Ain't Got Time

My wonderful friend Phil is hilarious and fantastic and sassy and a cheerleader. He has this saying: “Bitch ain’t got time.” It means if someone or something’s not what you want or some dude is being disrespectful or you need a drink, you just gotta go have a cocktail or stop talking to that dude or go do some pilates because life is short. I mean, duh, life is short but...

Dec 30th

1 note

In these wee 26 years, I’ve learned something really important: fuck other people. To all the youngsters out there, DO NOT: pick a college/not pick a college because of a girlfriend/boyfriend; move to another state/not move to another state because of a girlfriend/boyfriend; take a job/not take a job because of a girlfriend/boyfriend; choose your route to work/not choose your route to work...

Dec 29th

Mom & Dad RE: the new kitchen table/true love

Dad: I hate that thing! And it's ugly! And it gives me splinters HAS IT EVER GIVEN YOU SPLINTERS?

Mom: No because every morning I turn the splinter side towards your chair [CACKLE CACKLE CACKLE].

Dec 29th

“Fuck y’all cheap-ass, bitch-ass mutha fuckers.”

– The Dunkin’ Donuts panhandler

Dec 28th

1 tag

Dec 28th

“Are you kidding me? I hate you… You’re a rude liar and I hope your...”

– My ex-boyfriend on Christmas, via text message

Dec 28th

25 notes

Birthday Sex, Jeremih MOST LISTENED TO SONG, MY...

Dec 23rd

I had this Advanced Poetry teacher in college, a published poet named Carl Marcum whom I admired like whoa, and I remember during one of our last classes we were doing a reading and I read a poem of mine entitled “Asphyxiate and Write It Down” and he said, “That’s a great fucking title; I’m jealous,” and then I died.

Dec 23rd

1 tag

See Also: Don’t Even Front 2010

Dec 23rd

1 tag

Dec 23rd

I've been an asshole twice today.

…and it’s only 2:30. *** So around 11am, in walks The Situation and Pauly D (not really) trying to sell my boss, William,* some phone lines. I sit at the front desk/run this town. I know what’s up and I’m very wary of salespeople. So The Situation introduces himself and it clicks: “Oh. You. You’re the a-hole that’s been calling from Company A trying...

Dec 22nd

“What else does my 2010 horoscope say? Anything of a new job? An actual...”

– Ted

Dec 22nd

“Luckily, through it all, you’ll find that your best matches in love and...”

– 2010 Horoscope CAN I GETTA AMEN?

Dec 22nd

kittensinabasket: Sometimes when I’m going through girls’ facebook photos, I get a little nauseous. Every photo of them looks the same. Every picture has a full smile with every tooth showing. Every picture has their head tilted the same exact way. It is like that form of torture where they bombard you with images that scare you. It is like flipping through the same horrible picture but they...

Dec 22nd

5 notes

If you could please not post the following in your...

your financial woes your fertility woes what you had for breakfast, lunch, dinner or two wholesome snacks anything about your retarded-ass ex anything about the weather how much you need a man how much you need coffee GREAT, K, THX, BYE.

Dec 22nd

440 notes

1 tag

Not About Love, Fiona Apple MOST LISTENED TO...

Dec 22nd

1 tag

Dec 21st

6 notes

Male RealDoll Order Form →

“Optional Pubic Hair, extra $100.00.” And exsqueeze me, why is “Limp/Flaccid” an option?

Dec 21st

At the Starbucks I go to when I have to pick up coffee for the office, there works (1) a peppy lil’ dude that reminds me of Eli from Top Chef Las Vegas, (2) a pretty spicy Latina who covers up her arm tattoo (very poorly) with a bandana, and (3) a smattering of randos I don’t pay attention to. Today, there was a new girl at the register: white, mousy brown hair, shy, looks like a...

Dec 21st