May 2013
A cautionary tale
I walked down the stairs to the subway platform and saw a man with no hands with a sign around his neck asking for money. I walked past him, opened my wallet, took out a dollar and walked back to give it to him.
As I walked back, I was struck with panic. “Oh my God, how is he going to grab the dollar?” And I almost turned back the other way because moments of social awkwardness make me cringe...
Enough with the themed selfies already—you’re taking a picture of your face because you like your face and you want to know if other people like your face. Ain’t no shame, my sisters.
Your “just drank some milk” or “thinking about tacos” caption is just a substitute for “Check out these genes.” You’re allowed! Stop masking it.
“I’m the best, read my blog, I’m so funny, I should be...”
– Everyone
April 2013
When my BF says I’m pretty or cute or beautiful like every other day:
When someone I rarely talk to or a complete stranger or someone I actively despise tells me the same thing:
Listen
You all can go fuck yourselves okay leave me alone
Wednesday Quick Advice Bonus Round
On 20/20 Hindsight “I can laugh about it now,” - Lorena Bobbitt
On Accepting Compliments Man in elevator: “Not to be weird, but do you always look this nice at the end of the day?” Me: “No, I just put on a gallon of makeup.”
On Chilling Out Try calling your problems “problemos.” They’re less serious then.
On Facebook Birthday Wishes An...
Paramore | Ain’t It Fun Will get down to any...
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YASSSSS
Shout out to my homies who helped me come up with a new Twitter handle. You can now find my important updates about the food I’m currently eating and daily annoyances at:
@nicolejamessays I kept @thatwhitebitch because she will always live inside me and no one else can have it, so back the fuck off.
Also, in my search for a new name I discovered no one has taken @adorablehuman yet. Same...
remember yesterday when I had pins and needles in my foot all day so i looked it up and i found out maybe I was having a stroke so i did the acronym test, FAST - Face drooping, Arm weakness, Speech difficulty, Take action (call 911) - spending a good 30 minutes silently saying things out loud to see if i was having speech difficulty and i kept stretching my arms at my desk like i was tired but...
In college, our usual post-2am food spot was Mr. Greek Gyros, on the corner of Halsted and Jackson in Chicago.
That place was a lifesaver, both figuratively and (probably) literally. But it was wretched.
You’d stumble in there at 3am filled to the brim with some disgusting mixture of booze. You’d take your place in a line that never had any less than 15 people in it. You’d...
Anonymous asked: Hey I've been a follower for several years now - thanks for keeping your blog hilarious!So here's my question. I'm approaching my last year of college and I'm starting to realize that most guys are either desperate for a girlfriend or only want to hook up. Are good college relationships a myth? It seems like most guys I know are "going through stuff" or getting over...
Need Ur Help
When I chose the Twitter handle @thatwhitebitch back in the 90s, I didn’t care about Twitter or think it meant anything real. I still don’t, but now I’m like, expanding my horizons. Basically I’m grown and sexy. I’ma retire that handle.
I really just want my new handle to be @nicolejames. But I’ve already asked that lady and she will not play ball with me. Also...
March 2013
Me when I’m commuting with a suitcase: “Oh my God everyone is such a dick, no one holds the door for me, everyone is so rude, help meeeeeeee”
Me when I’m commuting without a suitcase: “Oh my God why does every asshole have a suitcase today, get out of the way, like, at least act like you know your giant suitcase is taking up the room of an entire person, what a...
Listen
Listen
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Best thing I overheard from a middle aged woman on...
“Lace panties?! SHE’S GOT TO BE OUT OF HER FUCKING MIND!”
